All eyes on the calendar another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up with decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself and with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make, I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
His frozen face you wrote the name and that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone when all that's left is a fucking song
never make somebody your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing.
it's so true.
i know no one really reads these entries, maybe some people skim them, but someone needs to read between the lines and know that i am seriously, seriously, depressed. and get me help.. or talk to me.
i always talk to you. all of you. even if i don't know you i'd talk to you.
i never, ever get called or asked to go anywhere anymore, and the few times that i do, i want to go and i can't because i'm told by my parents that i can't, or i can't bring myself to do it, because i fear not being accepted.
does anyone notice how much they call me for help, or advice?
does anyone notice how much i get used for rides, for help..
even at work, they know i won't say anything about my hours so i take them..
and i work and i work until i stress out about it and give myself stomach pains.
and i can't trust anyone.. there's no one to talk to..
i think i know someone until they prove me wrong,
talk behind my back or just dissapoint me..
i don't want you anymore.
i've made so many people my everything
i've given them everything i've had in my heart and soul and now theres just none left.
i'm useless and bitter and just dry.
i have nothing left
and i have no one left.
there's nothing at all left in me, or for me.
i can't wait to leave carmel and start a new life and just forget everyone i ever knew.
i have dreams of leaving now more than ever.
i could never bring myself to actually run away, but i'm always, always thinking about it.
and i know i could never kill myself because i know i wouldn't go to heaven.
and what's the sense if i know i'm just going to rot forever?
everyone knows the stereotypical teenager all upset and angry full of angst over their exes or their parents but to me it's more than that...
to me it's every single peice of the world that bothers me until i start to cry, and cry, and seclude myself from everyone else.
but no one notices, because i flirt, and i smile, and i put on the biggest show that you can ever imagine.
the money, and the car and the family and the "friends" mean nothing if you have nothing to back them up..
if theres no love or compassion behind any of it.
if it's all a lie than what's the sense in having it?
i've gotten to level 21 on tetris.
i don't know any girls who've gotten that high.. but what else is there to do, stare at walls?
everyone is gonna hate me for saying this, but i really, really feel like dying.
nothing makes me happy anymore.
contrast and compare between the busy ones and the ones that don’t care
until there is no one that you really know.
so i drift through these days of appointments and promises made
they will all end up broken and quickly replaced.
weeks are slow, days drag on;
even practice and parties seem long
but i found myself going, i guess there’s nothing to do
oh well, groups of kids, line of cars,
more will show up after the bars close,
there’s this boredom that drowns everything.
bottles break, music plays, conversations competing for space
i look for a corner or a quieter room
there’s no heat in this house
i can’t breath with these words in my mouth
but i’m not going to say them
i’ve made that mistake before
on the stairs, she grabs my arm, says "whats up,
where you been, is something wrong?"
i try to just smile, and say everything’s fine.