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miss scarlet, in the hall, with a revolver

[ website | myspizz ]
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[10 Nov 2007|11:55am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

sleepless, long nights.
that was what my youth was for. 

teenage hopes arrive at your door
left you with nothing,
but they want some more.

you're changing your heart.
you know who you are. 

sweetheart, bitterheart,
now i can't tell you apart. 

cozy and cold,
put the horse before the cart. 

those teenage hopes,
who have tears in their eyes.
too scared to own up to one little lie.

you're changing your heart.
you know who you are. 

1,2,3,4,5,6,9, or 10
money can't buy you back the love that you had then. 

you're changing your heart.
you know who you are.


[04 Nov 2007|10:03pm]
 i just wanna leave you alone
not ever talk to you

if that's what'll help you to succeed

i don't want you to base your life around me 
if it's only going to bring you down

i'm sorry

[31 Aug 2007|12:34pm]
today, is the last day
i will be working a late night at hannaford!!

did you ever wonder why i'm at hannaford every night until midnight?
me too.

no more! 
i'm so excited.

and i get a 50 cent raise, coming up in the near future.

!  i'm kind of excited for school now.

and i also love that feeling that's always lifting me up even when i do have to work late, and i don't have my book reports done. that feeling like someone's got my back. michael reilly (:

i thought i couldn't, but i could. and i did. and i could do it again. [13 Aug 2007|09:22am]
[ mood | pleased ]

you know how the other day i was completely miserable?

well i got to the root of all my anger, and i confronted the source.

like dr. brick and dr. copolla always said.
go to the root of the problem
confront the source.

for the first time, i did it. i really did it.
and i did it right.
i'm so proud of myself.
and i'm sticking to it! 

anger management payed off. i didn't scream. i didn't.
i talked. but i talked loud that he understood. 
and i said everything that was on my mind without saying too much; without rambling.

i really wish this worked out the way i planned, where we really, really became best friends again. you would prove to me that you really changed this time. but you didn't, you can't. deep down in your heart you want to. but you can't. 

i could have seen us being friends for a long time.

1 strawberry feilds forever

[10 Aug 2007|11:16pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

All eyes on the calendar another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up with decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself and with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years

Devoted friends, they disappear And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make, I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake

I guess that it's typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know

His frozen face you wrote the name and that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone when all that's left is a fucking song

never make somebody your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing. 
it's so true.

i know no one really reads these entries, maybe some people skim them, but someone needs to read between the lines and know that i am seriously, seriously, depressed. and get me help.. or talk to me. 

i always talk to you. all of you. even if i don't know you i'd talk to you.

i never, ever get called or asked to go anywhere anymore, and the few times that i do, i want to go and i can't because i'm told by my parents that i can't, or i can't bring myself to do it, because i fear not being accepted. 

does anyone notice how much they call me for help, or advice?
does anyone notice how much i get used for rides, for help..
even at work, they know i won't say anything about my hours so i take them..
and i work and i work until i stress out about it and give myself stomach pains.

and i can't trust anyone.. there's no one to talk to.. 
i think i know someone until they prove me wrong,
talk behind my back or just dissapoint me..
i don't want you anymore.

i've made so many people my everything
i've given them everything i've had in my heart and soul and now theres just none left.

i'm useless and bitter and just dry.
i have nothing left
and i have no one left.
there's nothing at all left in me, or for me.

i can't wait to leave carmel and start a new life and just forget everyone i ever knew.
i have dreams of leaving now more than ever. 

i could never bring myself to actually run away, but i'm always, always thinking about it.
and i know i could never kill myself because i know i wouldn't go to heaven.
and what's the sense if i know i'm just going to rot forever?

everyone knows the stereotypical teenager all upset and angry full of angst over their exes or their parents but to me it's more than that... 

to me it's every single peice of the world that bothers me until i start to cry, and cry, and seclude myself from everyone else.

but no one notices, because i flirt, and i smile, and i put on the biggest show that you can ever imagine.

the money, and the car and the family and the "friends" mean nothing if you have nothing to back them up..
if theres no love or compassion behind any of it. 
if it's all a lie than what's the sense in having it?

i've gotten to level 21 on tetris. 
i don't know any girls who've gotten that high.. but what else is there to do, stare at walls?
everyone is gonna hate me for saying this, but i really, really feel like dying.

nothing makes me happy anymore.

contrast and compare between the busy ones and the ones that don’t care
until there is no one that you really know.
so i drift through these days of appointments and promises made
they will all end up broken and quickly replaced.

weeks are slow, days drag on;
even practice and parties seem long
but i found myself going, i guess there’s nothing to do
oh well, groups of kids, line of cars,
more will show up after the bars close,
there’s this boredom that drowns everything. 

bottles break, music plays, conversations competing for space
i look for a corner or a quieter room
there’s no heat in this house
i can’t breath with these words in my mouth
but i’m not going to say them

i’ve made that mistake before
on the stairs, she grabs my arm, says "whats up,
where you been, is something wrong?"
i try to just smile, and say everything’s fine.


[10 Aug 2007|11:32am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I never, said I'd lie and wait forever
If I did we'd be together now
I can't always just forget her
But she could try

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

i can't keep crying and whining over you and thinking unrealistically?

i'm gonna play what if for a second...

what if you told me you loved me when you did?

my whole life would be drastically different..

we'd have been together
i would have left what i had at the time
or never have even gone for him in the first place.
i probablly never would have done alot of stuff because i would be with you over them.

i wouldn't be who i am now.

i learned so much while you were away.

is that good or bad?

these past three years you missed so much.. good and bad.

i missed you so much and you weren't there on the other side of the phone.

did you expect me to wait? 
or could you care less?

i wish i could talk to you.

and i can.
but i'm too much of a pussy.

i loved you for so long and i finally get over it and move on and then you decide to come back.

nice timing, jerk.

but you're so different now.. i'm sure you could care less about anyone here....

you're so different now
you're so different now

you probablly won't even talk to me


[10 Aug 2007|10:51am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i had the same dream again. 
estimated the 10th time.

same dream, different setting.

where i see you, we go somewhere to talk, you hold my hand, tell me you always loved me and you kiss me.
and even though it was something i always wanted for about 7 years or more,

i always say "no.. i can't because i already have what i want. i'm happy."

and i spend the whole rest of the day thinking about it and you..
and i keep wondering what this dream or any dream can mean.

why can't you just stay where you are? please? 
you're making me so nervous.

i have a weird feeling i'm going to learn alot from this.

Letters meant to be sent have been torn.
The phone lies off the hook, on the floor.
All these "I'm sorry"s and "I miss you"s are useless.
I fucked this one up long ago.

And all your lonely nights
In the city of lights are much like
All these crowded bars I so often find my stupid self-stumbling through.
Fuck you Aurora, you took my only friend.

And although it's all my fault,
The blaming myself had to come to an end. So I say:
Fuck you Aurora, you took my only friend.


[09 Aug 2007|12:45pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

no one ever calls me anymore.

i love the fact that i JUST got over it, how i never get invited to parties anymore.

and what happens.
all in the same night.

it just makes me upset that when i drink or go out and have any sort of fun, it's more with my ex boyfriend than my actual boyfriend.

and than i have to see pictures about his good times.

yeah 14377 xo'z to you too.

these are the times when i know what they're talking about when everyone in hannafords says "yeah i know you're boyfriend, he works in produce right?"  and im like "no seafood" and they're like "oh you're always with that kid in produce so i thought.." and i just say "he's my brother."

i'm over it.

have funzzzz omgxox


[09 Aug 2007|08:05am]
[ mood | artistic ]

there are two people that this entry pertains to...

and between looking at your profiles, and listening to this taking back sunday song, i've come to a conclusion...

that the people who shout that they are the "realest"
are always the fakest.

people don't like people who need to prove that they are sincere.
when you are genuine, people will know.

you're so naive.

it's all a cover up.

admit it!


[07 Aug 2007|10:18am]
[ mood | complacent ]

this isn't who I am. From confidence to self doubt in 60 seconds
storming stages and stereos from here to there, trying to prove that I belong
Trying to win approval from people that I don't know

and I look so strong when the weight of all the world don't take it's toll
and I'd choose my side if I believed in what was right but I'm all wrong

i'm not larger than life, I'm not taller than trees.
do I mean what I say or is it just this disease where I never go home?
never telling the truth, how this life eats away, not admitting I'm fake.
and i'm questioning whether this whole thing was worth it to die poor and all alone?

just don't tell me this doesn't mean the world,
'cause my ears would bleed and my heart would hit the floor.


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